I have been cycling along Texas highways for nigh on 10 years now. I am always in awe with the beauty of the Texas landscape, the friendliness of some people and the unfortunate attitude of others. However, that is another story. Enjoying my weekend rides along the backroads of the Texas hill country and lowlands, I have seen many things. Wildflowers carpeting the roadsides, thick as fleas on a dog’s back. Wild turkeys strutting their irridescent colors, deer high-jumping fences and dogs – plenty of dogs of every shape, size and disposition. There is, however one thing that I am amazed by in my rides and that is the quantity of underwear along the Texas highways.
My comment to the existence of this phenomena was recently met with skepticism by my cycling friends. Now mind you these are the same friends who are serious as Sunday School about riding, who would not see a pink elephant dance across their path during a “training ride”. I myself, being the more casual cyclist notice the stark pattern of tighty whiteys against black pavement, and it is with confidence in the existence of this phenomena that I come to you. I will give my friends credit for at least feigning a sense of interest. “What kind of underwear?, they ask.” “All kinds!..” I reply, now enthusiastic that someone is humoring me, “…panties, bras, briefs. Mind you I don’t count socks or T-shirts ‘cause those are always worn on the outside”, as I try to put an actual sense of scientific process to the assessment to sound more professional. My partner, who as all good partners should do if they love you, tries to help me out by acting interested. She says “Are they all in a small area or broadly distributed? Say only on certain highways?” I jump to the opportunity to quantify my observations. “I would say there is about an article every three miles, but I need more data.” Then with my 5 minutes of fame all used up, their conversation quickly goes back to what is the best combination of chain rings to climb the hills of Bastrop.
The phenomena of these “underwear along Texas Highways” is not a regional issue. I’ve seen underwear along all highways both east and west of Austin. I have even seem a pair of panties on a ride out of Katy, Texas despite the claim to propriety of some of our eastern neighbors. This proves that the phenomena is not confined to “those liberal Austin people”. Firm in my belief that there are many social patterns hiding in this issue, I began assessing the frequency and nature of those underwear that I saw. Although I continued to report sighting, my observations were still met with skepticism (Galileo had similar problems with the Italian “establishment”.). “What brand of underwear is it?” I was asked. Now, I am all for good scientific observation, but to actually pick up an article of underwear that had been discarded along the highway was a level of scientific sampling commitment that I was not sure I was ready to make. However, the gauntlet had been thrown and I began to build my courage toward such an event.
Late May of last year, I was out on a ride with the Austin Cycle Association heading toward Buda, Texas on Old San Antonio Road when I passed a bra in the middle of the road. I stared at it, and it stared at me. I vowed that, if it was still there on my return back toward Austin, that I would examine it more closely. Sure enough, on my ride back north, as if daring me to make a move, there it was. I stopped alongside the bra, unclipped and got off my bike. I casually picked up a thin stick about a foot long and gripped it with determination. I looked both ways, north – no one, south – no one, walked casually over to the bra, stuck the stick beneath one cup and lifted it to eye level. Then, timed on a dime, a group of four cyclists came barreling north up the road. As I stood in the road with a bra on a stick, they divided around me, blasting with air as they sped past. The one guy said quizzically, “You alright??”. I replied, as serious as one possibly can while standing in the middle of a road, holding a bra on a stick, wearing a large diaper-like pair of lycra shorts and “tap” shoes, “Fine and dandy, just lookin’ at this bra!”. I never saw them again. Thank God. And the answer to the bra’s origins – Victoria Secrets! Now, these are not cheap underwear! This ain’t some Big Lots, Five-for-a-Dollar set of cups. These babies were expensive! Somethin’ you might go back lookin’ for if you “dropped it”.
All of this research got me to thinking. What set of circumstances could I POSSIBLY imagine where MY underwear would end up along a highway? Multiple hypotheses came to mind and some were quickly dispelled. 1) Maybe someone lost the underwear from their laundry. On the surface, this might seem reasonable, since many people use laundramats to launder their Victoria Secrets and other more mentionable unmentionables. However, any college student or apartment dweller knows that when laundering your clothes and transporting them to and from the laundramat you always put your underwear on the bottom of the basket so people won’t be gaulking at it as you walk by them. You bury it – undies on the bottom, then towels, then T-shirts on top. However, in the course of riding you never see these lost top sets. You are never riding down a highway and see T-shirts, then another 20 yards – towels, then finally the undies. No unroofing of the basket so to speak – just undies. 2) Maybe someone lost the underwear from the boat coming back from the lake. Towels maybe. T-shirts absolutely, but frilly underwear?? That must have been some boating trip. 3) Teenagers. This cause was submitted by NUMEROUS parents that I spoke with, who obviously think that teenagers are to blame for everything no matter what it is or where. Texas Legislature – teenagers. Global warming – teenagers. Underwear along Texas Highways – teenagers. 4.) The Dare. Now this option is closely associated with the Teenagers causal theory, but having witnessed significant loss of hibition following the consumption of alcohol by older Texan’s, I would say this theory might be the most widely applicable. In the event that one is “dared” to remove their underwear then “throw it out the window”, alcohol definitely helps. And finally, 5) Throwing away the evidence. Now this dog might hunt, especially if I could determine a significant increase in underwear numbers correlated to times the Texas State Legislature is in session. In the event of an overenthusiastic paramour who forgets to take all their things with them upon exiting ones vehicle, a “person” could easily find themselves in possession of articles of clothing difficult to explain to their significant other or the Texas press corp. The simple answer, fling them from the car.
I think if forced to choose one of the above, I would have to go with number five, Throwing Away the Evidence, or maybe number 4, The Dare. I mean after all we are in Texas. I think we need more data. Thank God Rick Perry is considering another Texas State Legislative special session. We may have the answer by the Fall.
